[i]...the relationship advice is on hiatus...seeing that current events and circumstances seem to support Ryan's summation that for a smart girl, i'm pretty stupid. according to him, I have the dating IQ of a monkey...[/i]
It’s Monday morning, around 8:20. Once again, I have just been pushed out of place, to the back of a swarm of people crowding to get onto the morning shuttle headed for the Water Tower Campus.
Lots of people think that they've got it all figured out: that these daily encounters with rudeness and carelessness prove that courtesy and kindness are indeed dead. But on December 13th, 2003, I was witness to evidence to the contrary.
On that crisp Saturday morning, I left my dorm around 5:45 in order to catch a southbound train to Midway Airport. As I made my way across campus, I cursed myself for having packed too much. I slung my purse across my body, my backpack, which was stuffed with books and my computer, hung by its straps on tired shoulders, while my mittened hands clumsily held onto the retractable handle of a large roll-away bag.
Having had to rest two times before I even passed Damen, I knew that I was in trouble. There was no way that my luggage weighed the regulation “fifty pounds or less”. But at this point, I really didn’t care that much. The twenty-five dollar fine worried me far less than the thought of having to travel with this beast all the way from Loyola’s Lakeshore Campus to Midway Airport. I would have to get on the Red Line, get off at the Roosevelt station, make the transfer from the Red to the Orange Line, then ride the rest of the way to Midway.
Aside from the occasional but necessary redistribution of weight from hand to hand, everything was going fine. I had even found three traveling companions. And by “companions” I mean that we were merely traveling in the same direction at the same time. But to clarify, I was acquainted with one of them because she lives in my building, while the two others, a couple, were complete strangers.
Upon arrival at Midway, we soon found out that both the escalator up and elevator were broken. While the two other girls easily made their way up the steep stairs, I remained at the foot overwhelmed by the thought of having to carry my things up these stairs.
The sole boy in our little pack of Loyolans told me to stay put because he was coming back for me. I watched him run up the stairs with his things, as I struggled to haul my roll-away bag up, one step at a time. He came running back down, picked up my mountainous luggage over his head and ran up the stairs once again.
As we hurriedly made our way up the stairs, all I could say was, “Thank you.”
I didn’t know his name, and he didn’t know mine. We were just strangers who happened to be at the same place at the same time. And he had absolutely nothing to gain from carrying what I later found out to have been a 76-pound piece of luggage over his head.
So every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, when I’m being shoved from all directions by people trying to get onto the shuttle, I think back to December 13th. And I smile to remember that people can--from time to time--surprise you.
Doubt kills a relationship. It's a well-known and undisputed fact that if you want to end a relationship, all you have to do is stop trusting the other person. What's less recognized, however, is how trust is just a part of a bigger issue: certainty. There is no way that anyone can ever be completely certain about anything in the philosophical or the scientific sense. But once you allow doubt to pervade the way that you see the other person, once you doubt the other person's motivations for being with you, you kill your relationship.
Your ability to make things work depends enormously on your level of trust and by extension your certainty about the relationship itself. When trust is undermined by doubt, the ultimate breakdown of your relationship will follow shortly. To make any relationship work, you must first eliminate doubt. This is not to say that you should be naive, but remember that many relationships have been cut tragically short because one (or both) of the parties just couldn't get rid of that doubt. Doubt is the ultimate killer.
So, how do you get rid of doubt? As far as I know, “it” really is a leap of faith. Remember the movie, Kate & Leopold? There's a deleted scene where Otis, Leopold's valet, says, "Love is a leap." You just gotta have faith because there are no rules; you have go by instinct and you have to be brave.
For the scientifically minded and those who refuse to believe that there are some things in life that you just have to trust--that there are some facts that you simply can't prove with the use of hard evidence or data, here's a little question and answer for you: Q: How big is the Universe?
A: It is infinitely big.
Q: How do you know?
A: I know because all theories and available data point to that conclusion.
Q: Theories? Has anyone ever actually gone out there to the ends of the universe and actually measured its infinite boundaries in order to offer hard evidence which prove that claim?
A: By definition it would be impossible to "go to the ends of the universe" because something that is infinitely big has no boundaries.
AND FINALLY: So how can you, or anyone say with absolute certainty that the universe is infinitely big if it's impossible to measure? Science, like love, has its own articles of faith. There are some things in this life that you just have to put your faith in. One of those things is Love.
How do you know if what's you've got in your hands is a real person? Haven't you ever gotten the sense that someone just might be too good to be true? So how do you know? You look at the company they keep. You ask questions. And while doing this, you should pay attention to their answers, you should also pay close attention to the very personalities and characters of those people that you have chosen to ask. OR you can imagine yourself a room full of people who know him/her the best, listening in as these people discuss his/her character. While you're doing this, remember this one very important thing: "Joe" has probably done some pretty wonderful things, but he might have also done some horrible things (no one is ever as good or as bad as they first appear).
People have their reasons for doing certain things. You have to come to accept that no one is perfect. At this point, the question you should ask yourself doesn't concern how many hours he's spent volunteering at the local nursing home nor should it be whether or not he's guilty of having once forgotten to pick up his little sister from school. The question you should concern yourself about is whether he's been honest with himself about the things he's done (or hasn't done). If “Joe” is a good guy, the answer will always be yes. The true measure of a man lies in his ability to be honest with himself as far as what he's done with his life thus far. DO NOT expect perfection; but do claim your right to a certain degree of quality.
Everyone has secrets. But I don't suggest that everyone wear their hearts on their sleeves. Still, there is one very important question that begs asking: does your "someone" want you to meet his/her friends? Meeting someone's friends can be the most revealing thing about a person. When you meet someone's friends you are given the chance to see him through different eyes and different perspectives. You hear stories, and you find out what sort of person he is, as well as what sort of people he chooses to spend his time with. Run like hell from anyone who's hiding this facet of his life from you. However, if you are fortunate enough to meet a person who makes a conscious effort for you to get to know him in his element, you should give him at least the benefit of the doubt---you know that this guy has nothing to hide, not from you, not from anyone, not even from himself. If he's honest with himself, it's a guarantee that he'll be honest with you.
[b]Chapter 4: "...but I would be proud to partake of your Pecan Pie"[/b]
True friendship exists where there are no hidden agendas--and if there were agendas, they don't remain hidden (at least from each other). These kinds of friendships, are quite rare. The thing is, even though we all like to pride ourselves in our amazing capacities for tolerance and acceptance, we're never quite as kind as we think we are. Besides, in my opinion, you just can't possibly have that good of a friendship with someone that you have to "tolerate". True friendship is when you are willing to partake in every piece of the pie--when you don't feel the need to pick the pecans off.
This applies to both your relationship with yourself and with others. And the basic rules are: 1) Never compromise yourself; because in the end, you have to be able to look at yourself in the mirror. 2) People aren't made of clay; you can't mold them into whatever "shape" pleases you. People whom you try to fashion into your own idea of what they should be, with the intent of keeping them close, will only drift farther and farther away from you.
Love is about finding the middle ground --even the seemingly perfect brand of love we find in the movies displays this. Yes, in the end the characters do end up happily together, but only after they've worked out their differences. And this is where the danger is. Finding the middle ground should never mean attempting to change them, or them trying to change you. It's true that people do change, but only because the motivation to change comes from within. In the real world, no one wants to be told how to act or what to do. Think about it from a simpler point of view: back when you were little and your parents ordered you to clean your room, didn't you just want to make even more of a mess just to spite them? It's the same thing.
"Don't go changing, to try to please me." Billy Joel had it right. Don't turn yourself into someone that you're not just to please someone. And don't try to turn someone into something that he/she is clearly not. It just doesn't work that way. When you truly love someone, you love him/her for everything that he/she is (or in some cases, isn't). You don’t love them “in spite of” anything, you love them because of everything. Acceptance, along with trust, is one of the most important components in making any relationship work. But be warned that there is a major difference between accepting something and choosing to overlook something. When you accept something, you see it as a factor and do consider it as such, but you don't let it mire you. Meanwhile, when you choose to overlook something, all you're really doing is choosing not to acknowledge its existence--it's avoidance no matter how you look at it. And although you avoid the topic, it will always haunt you.
Everyone comes with "defects"--no one person will ever perfectly and exactly fit your ideal. And you have to learn that that's ok. Don't turn minor “things” into major hurdles; learn to pick your battles. Don't turn your back on someone that you love just because he happens to like rap music and you happen to abhor the mere idea of it; get him headphones. True love is hard to find, and trust me, if what you have is the "good and true" kind, you'll find a solution to every "problem".
Chapter 2: Prince Charming
From my own experience, I have found that guys (whether they belong in the nice or not-so-nice categories) switch between the two groups depending on their true feelings for the woman. So, for example, and for ease of understanding, let's take Joey from FRIENDS. He's the present-day Don Giovanni. Don Giovanni went around sleeping with thousands of women and was a great, legendary lover. Why did he do this? Because he was afraid. He figured that becoming the lover of thousands was far better than being rejected by one woman who he actually has genuine feelings for. What did it get him? [ding-ding-ding] That?s right, players, an empty, unfulfilled, unhappy life.
What do we know about Joey? He is apparently great in bed, and he has slept with a large number of women, and sadly (for the women at least), was never around in the morning. Then comes along Rachel. Joey falls for her and he changes. He turns into a sweet, caring, sensitive, and loyal guy who was and is always there for the woman in his life. Some might argue that he was always all of these things. I agree. But notice that he was only all of these things to his mom, sisters and of course, his beloved friends. If you're not Rachel, Monica, or Phoebe, you get a master magician of a guy who after sleeping with you, seems to think that the ol' magic disappearing act he?s been pulling since high school will very much entertain you. BUT if you are, let's say Rachel, you get Prince Charming, complete with the white horse and the shining armor.
Chapter 3: According to Harry Burns
In one of my favorite movies, When Harry Met Sally, there's this one really great line: "Men and women can NEVER really be friends." And although I advocate the opposite, there is some truth to Harry's grand declaration. There are SOME individuals with whom we cannot be "just friends".
Think of your closest friend of the opposite sex. Come on, you know you have one. Girls, you know you have that one guy. He's the first to know about anything and everything going on in your life. He's your first phone call about practically everything. You spend what can never be too much time hanging out. You have endless conversations about everything and anything. And to his incessant query about whether or not you'd like to hear something gross, your guaranteed reply is: "Always." With that kind of connection, you wonder how the relationship remains platonic.
It's probable that no matter how high the quality of your sexy-bitch appeal, neither one of you has that kind of attraction to the other. It's also probable that he's gay. But the bottom line is, Friendship is what you both want from each other and it's exactly what you're both getting and giving. And aside from that, it would just be really weird, considering you probably have absolutely no interest in, by my own definition, an incestuous situation: your guy friend may very well be the closest thing you have to a brother. Same goes for the guys: that one girl may very well be the closest thing you have to a sister.
This "just friends" concept is pretty complicated. When a woman says, "I think we should work on our friendship" nine out of ten times, she means "You're an unattractive toad." Men on the other hand, will tell you directly if you are an unattractive toad. When men begin to emphasize friendship within a relationship with a woman, it's because he has begun to sincerely care about her as a person and not as a Victoria's Secret model. Jacon Lichtman once said, "Women take friendship as a given and debate the rest. To a certain extent, men take the rest as a given and debate the friendship."
One of my best friends is male. The reason we never got together is this: we both like boys. The heterosexual male friend on the other hand, would rationalize it in one of the following ways: a) We never got together because I have a girlfriend, and she has a boyfriend. OR b) We never got together because she thinks I'm an unattractive toad.
Don't get me wrong, there are many heterosexual guys out there who are happy to be just friends. But they have to be continually reminded that they're NOT "just friends" because they're too ugly for you to date.
There is no reason that men and women can't be just friends. There is of course one exception to this rule. Neither men, nor women can be friends with their exes. Think about it, would you be able to stand being in the same room with your ex and his/her current even if you're so completely over him/her? I don't think so. Let's face it, when we see our ex with his/her current, we tend to be reminded of our faults and why your relationship with that one person didn't work out. Besides, whoever they're with now is more than likely "better for them" than we ever were (although we might at the moment think that he/she is just plain "better"), and honestly, who wants a constant reminder of that? Outside from stalkers and exes, there is no reason that men and women can't be friends. Sure, there's bound to be a little (or a lot of) sexual tension--but so what? You forget that one of the main functions of friends of the opposite sex is that they are the ones on whom you practice.
[b]Preface[/b] Last summer, I was inspired (by another writer) to write a treatise on relationships. Most of what was written in that first treatise was taken from personal experiences, as well as those of friends and family.
Now, I give you the second. It is here, now, because of another year’s worth of experience, relationships, heartbreaks, rants, conversations and everything else in between and beyond. As in the first volume, I will say to you right now that I am no expert as far as the matters of the heart are concerned. I don’t have credentials which deem me a professional. I’m not an expert, and don’t claim to be. But I am a 19-year-old girl who’s had her fair share and has been witness and confidante to friends and family who are dealing (or have dealth) with their fair share as well. So, don’t be surprised if you find that situations described here sound very similar to something that happened or is happening to you or to someone you know.
Also, while you might agree with some of the insights expressed here, I’m sure that I have also expressed other ideas which might make you think that I’m completely crazy and don’t know what I’m talking about. Anyway, I’m not your therapist (however, some of you do treat me as such; by the way, I charge $100 per session—kind of like a cheap hooker), so you can’t rag on me if you think I’m giving you advice that is empirically equivalent to cow poo. And even though I think that only 5 out of the 50 recipients of the first treatise actually bothered to read it, like the first one, I thought I’d throw this one out there too. Only this time, if you are reading it, you'll have to admit that it was your own damn fault for doing so.
[b]Chapter 1: True Colors[/b] In my experience, I have found that there are two distinct types of guys: The assholes and the non-assholes.
How would one go about distinguishing between the assholes, and the genuinely nice ones? Difficult task. Nice guys call or e-mail a lot. Stalkers call or e-mail a lot. Nice guys like to feel needed. Assholes like to feel needed. The list goes on ad nauseum. So, how do you tell the difference? And when you find what the difference is, what on earth do you do with a nice guy? How do you interpret his actions? It's all so very tricky, isn't it?
Let's say that a generous 36% of men are actually genuinely nice and the remaining 64% are incurable assholes. The 36%, although empirically the pick of the litter, will of course still feel the need to go through lengths trying to distinguish themselves from the rest. They might call you, e-mail you, make you breakfast, bring you flowers, etc. These guys will do those things for the sole purpose of seeing you smile. Then again, the other guys will do the same things for the sole purpose of seeing you naked.
You do have to give them credit for trying. You can't prevent the 64% from trying to at least feign niceness--especially if they have reason to believe that the end result of their efforts will get you in bed. What can you do? Men lie. But then again, so do women (although usually very indirectly).
Well, my advice to the girls is to be optimistic. After all, there is always that 36% out there. But watch out: a friend of mine once said, "If you're at Loyola and you meet a nice guy, he either has a girlfriend--or a boyfriend."
