half-time goes by suddenly you're wise another blink of an eye we're moving on
this is the summer before my junior year. this, if there is one, is the half-way mark of college. it goes by quickly. i look at my life two years ago, and suddenly i'm hit with the sheer volume of what has happened between now and then. most people who knew me when i was younger readily sum it up by telling me how much i've grown. in reality, all this time, and everything that's happened, has mostly served to remind me of how small i am--how much more i have ahead of me.
there are some things in life where acting sensibly is just about the worst thing you can do. one example is within a romantic relationship. so what if it's impractical? so what if it's a difficult situation? if you want something badly enough, you'll find a way to make it work. besides, nothing that is worthwhile ever comes easily. you're supposed to fight for the worthwhile things.
sometimes, we have the tendency to equate avoidance with sensibility. for example, not wanting to get hurt. the sensible thing is self-preservation, but within the realm of relationships, self-preservation almost always translates into avoidance. i don't understand why we do this. relationships are a gamble, we all know that. however, it seems to be relatively unknown that the same rules apply. when you bet it all, you risk losing it all. but then again, if you don't take risks, you stand the chance of missing out on the big win.
rifts are created by this instinct or inclination toward avoidance. when a difficult issue arises, we tend to want to pretend that it's not there. we fear up-frontness because of what we think it might amount to (ie, facing our demons, having to figure out what we really want, laying it all out on the table). so, what happens is, we run away from the problem, hoping that it will somehow resolve itself and that somehow, we'll manage to emerge unscathed. when in truth, all avoidance really does is compound the problem.
i guess what i'm trying to say is that, as a relationship grows, it's natural to get scared that you're putting too many eggs in this one basket (i hate cliches, but it'll have to suffice). it's a defense mechanism, especially if you've ever trusted anyone who later proved to be less than deserving of said trust. i don't know how else to resolve that fear, other than to say that you have to have a little faith in people. learning to trust again after you've been hurt is difficult; letting people in is difficult; admitting to yourself that you want or even need someone is difficult. it probably all boils down to this one question: is it worth it?
it's amazing to me how my sister always seems to have a correct sense of how i'm really feeling. sometimes, i call her, she'll know that i'm just trying to pass time and talk about nothing at all. and sometimes, i call her, and she knows that i'm in "complete and utter distress"--in the fashion that only Carlos girls seem to have perfected--and that i really need her. it really is a gift.
just imagine how difficult it is to have any kind of relationship with anyone with whom you don't get to see everyday; that's the kind of relationship that my sister and i have had to make-do with for more than half of these past three years. yet somehow, i feel closer to her now, more than ever before. though it seems paradoxical, i really do think that there's a very simple explanation. these days, we have to try harder. these days, we can't just walk into each other's bedrooms every five minutes. these days, we can't just decide to spend the whole day together, and do it. the geographical distance prevents us from doing all the usual things that we would be otherwise doing. but that's okay, because we know to just try harder.Â
proximity doesn't guarantee close ties. i only recently realized that just because you spend everyday being physically near someone, that doesn't automatically transfer into a magical communion of your two souls. nor does that nearness guarantee being able to sustain any pre-established relationship. you can see someone everyday, be in close proximity, but still drift far apart. there is more to any kind of intimate relationship than just being able to touch each other.Â
this summer is a perfect example of that. i said goodbye to a lot of people last spring, knowing that it would be a very long time until i would get to see them again. and throughout the summer, in my overly-dramatic way, my heart ached to be in close proximity to them. but i discovered that it's not physical nearness that binds people together. people don't have to live within a ten-mile radius in order to be friends. and yes, even though when we were kids, our best friends probably lived just down the street, trust me on this one: friendships aren't built on close proximity alone.
yasmin goes to school at brown in rhode island, and we've barely lived in the same house for years now. but we'll always be great friends. katie goes to school in north dakota. to her, i'll always be that "mean girl" from 5th grade who wouldn't let her sit next to me on the school bus. ryan goes to school at NYU, but we're still going to go sledding together every winter break, and we still call each other at random times of the day to just talk. yes, distance and the inability to see each other whenever we feel like it, makes it difficult to keep up-to-date on each other's daily lives. but the time apart just makes each reunion all the more sweeter.Â
we have history. we have endless conversations about everything and nothing at all. we have memories of shared moments. and we know, because of all these, that no matter where life may take us, however great the distance, the physical gap can always be bridged by the efforts that we're willing to put in. it can be a visit. but it can also be something as simple as a card, a letter, a quick IM, or a phone call. simple as it sounds, believe me, that's all it takes.
Ever wake up in the morning blind-sided by an overwhelming surge of some emotion that is so intense, it numbs you? The numbness takes over, so you never get the chance to put a name to the emotion, until sometime after you've been walking around in this daze, someone says something--or maybe you hear a song--and the numbness goes away. All of a sudden, the emotion is unleashed and it floors you. And then you fixate on whatever that someone said, or on the lyrics of that one song, because somehow, whatever it was, it reached down into your depths. So then it leaves you trying to figure out why it meant so much and how it relates to that feeling you woke up with that one morning.
life is not always rainbows and butterflies. sometimes, bad things happen. sometimes, we get hurt. after which, we go through a commensurate time of suffering. at that time, we think that life is unfair because in our mind's eye, we have been unduly wronged. so instead of letting that experience of suffering wash over us, we tend to attempt to avoid it. usually--at least in my experience--by putting on a facade of stoicism. and it's usually because we're trying to nurse a bruised ego. it's a common reaction. it really is much easier to pretend to be perfectly fine than to admit that it still hurts.
i looked up the etymology of the word "suffering". and found that it means, "to undergo". i realized that it is simply a part of development. so why do we shy away from it? oftentimes, when faced with difficult situations, we turn, run and hide--not realizing that "to undergo" adversity is part of this thing we call life. running away from our problems is like rejecting life itself.
it is our hedonistic tendencies that convince us that pain, or any kind of discomfort, is a bad thing. yet throughout history, has it ever been said that one learns anything of real depth or value from the experience of pleasure alone? no. the greatest lessons, in fact, have been learned from the most wrenching trials of the human spirit. it is by undergoing the difficulties that we learn and grow.
sometimes, when things get especially bad, we lose sight of the fact that the good will come again. we forget that we’re supposed to suffer through the tough stuff; we forget that it is through suffering that we learn to appreciate the good.
someone once told me that he believes that we're wired for optimism. it sounds a little like misplaced idealism, especially in the world we live in. but there's a part of me that hopes he's right.
as a 19-year-old, i get to make all these decisions that used to be made for me. i get to worry about what comes after each step that i take. i now have the capacity to understand and even feel the ripple effect that my actions make. and no matter how well i know the adage about living for today, i'm plagued by memories of disappointment, failure, even heartache, while at the same time, haunted by anxiety over what is to come.
but instead of letting these swirling thoughts paralyze me, i'm going to get out of bed everyday. i'm going to continue going about my business. i'm going to do what makes me happy. i'm going to cherish my family and friends. i'm going to make mistakes. and learn from them. i'm going to have a sense of humor about my humanity. i'll do the very best that i can. i'm going to get up every time i fall. i'm going to continue to laugh, love, live, because these are the important things.
i have a new theory. i think that people grossly underestimate the impact their own lives have had on that of those around them. we tend to think that we lead small insiginificant lives and that we can't make our mark if we're not President; if we're not educated; if we're not rich; if we're not eloquent; if we're not doing something big.
now, as a nineteen-year-old, i realize that i don't have to wait [i]to become something [/i]to affect change in people's lives. today, as i flipped through mitch albom's [i]tuesdays with morrie[/i], i started to think about how people can choose to, and therefore actively affect change in other people's lives. we think that we are simply going through the motions, and not really making a difference because most of us are just "regular people". i think that's a mistake because without knowing it, we've already made our mark.
just think of all the people whose lives you've touched. just think of all the people that you've met in your lifetime. think of your family, friends, or even your acquaintances. at this very moment, someone out there... ...is thinking of you ...wants to tell you a joke ...wants to tell you about his/her day ...wants to know how your day was ...cares about you ...misses you ...wants to hold your hand ...wants you to be happy ...wants you to find him/her ...wants to give you a gift ...thinks that you ARE a gift ...hopes that you're comfortable ...wants to hug you ...wants to talk to you ...wants to be with you ...loves you ...admires you ...respects you ...can hardly wait to hear the next thing you'll say ...can hardly wait to see you again ...is thinking of you and smiling ...wants to be your shoulder to cry on ...wants you to be the shoulder he/she cries on ...thinks the world of you ...wants to protect you ...would do anything for you ...wants to be friends with you ...remembers you and wishes that you were there ...values your opinion ...wants to tell you how much you mean to him/her ...wants to hold you in his/her arms ...wants YOU to hold him/her in your arms ...loves you for who you are ...hopes you know that he/she will be there for you ...stayed up all night thinking about you ...is alive because of you ...glad that you are his/her friend ...is happy because of you ...has faith in you ...hopes that you have faith in him/her ...trusts you ...wants to get to know you better ...loves the way you make him/her feel ...is listening to a song that reminds him/her of you ...wants to tell you the significant role you've played in his/her life
you don't have to win the Nobel; you don't have to be President; you don't have to be rich; you don't have to wait. you don't have to wait four years to finish college. you don't have to wait two years for your MBA. you don't have to wait for anything and you don't have to wait to become something. my point is, just as long as you're content with the choices you've made down the line, and you know that you've done your best in every endeavor, chances are, you've already made a mark without even realizing it.
psychology books, even common knowledge, will tell us that the female and male minds are inherently different. they absorb and process information in very different ways. and thus, this affects the manner in which they relate to one another. for example, playing mind games. i'm not saying that i'm not guilty of "being a girl" and having had my share in the kind of silliness that i'm harping about. i'm just saying that it's frustrating to me. i understand that it's a defense mechanism; a means to protect ourselves from exposure, embarrassment, or even pain.
i find myself torn between self-preservation and honesty (or directness). i find myself asking, "why not choose honesty?" "why not choose directness?" why not just say what we mean to say? we'd all be better off if we stopped being afraid. we'd all be better off if we say what we mean to say; there would be far less misunderstandings, far less confusion, and we'd all probably end up getting more satisfaction because people would know exactly what we want from them and life in general.
so anyway, here's a recent conversation i had about all this:
T: hey settle an argument for me, will ya? C: yes T: do guys play mind games? i would say no. i think it takes too much time and energy. C: what do you mean? T: for guys, whatever gets said is what's meant T: no underlying meanings, no ulterior motives C: for the most part i would say that what is said is what is meant C: why do you ask? T: oh heather and i were just talkin' C: see i need senarios T: in relation to how guys and girls relate to each other C: alrighty T: i tend to think that guys are more prone to directness than girls are C: i would agree C: but there are always exceptions to that C: for instance... Robyn... she is pretty direct T: when a guy says something, a girl would usually assume that he's up to something, and she reads into what he said and comes up with all these scenarios. i think that's crap. i would just take what he said as what he meant...mostly because i think i know how the male brain works. C: yeah T: well, anyway. i win C: haha C: well put C: i'm glad you got some satisfaction out of that T: oh i did C: damn glad to hear T: wait, exceptions? T: oh like complicated boys who play games C: yes. or very strong-headed girls who are direct T: yeah C: but there aren't very many exceptions T: i know
but then again, who am i to judge? i'm a hypocrite.
so i was cleaning my room the other day, and going through stuff that i needed to throw out, and i found a stack of old newspapers. one of the headlines caught my eye. it described how scientists have been working on developing a new version of The Pill, made just for men.
now let's think about this one.
when the pants come off, and the guy doesn't have a condom on him, he can just say, "hey don't worry, i'm on the pill."
but nine months later, you've got a baby, and you're wondering what happened. hey, if you're old enough to be having sex, you should probably be wise enough as well to know that some guys will say just about anything if it means getting laid.
also, as an afterthought, exactly how would this pill work? is it gonna cause the guy to shoot blanks? isn't that gonna be bad for his fertility in the long run?
[b]Freshman Year Memories[/b] -Orientation -1000 West Sheridan -August 20th, move-in day...."what?? we don't have air-conditioning?!?" -If the Red Line doesn't go there, then neither do we -NCAA Champions 1963 -The Loyola Ratio -the kind of boy one finds @ Loyola: a) has a girlfriend b) has stalker-like tendencies c) has asshole-like tendencies d) has a boyfriend -Frat boys go shopping for fresh meat at Coffey -P-Co. & Hammie's -2nd floor lounge (robyn came up, "can i live here too?") -the moving carts -Q: Hey, what's in the suitcase? -A: A 160-pound asian boy. -Grant Park Movies -Salsa Dancing at CFSU -foam party at the parking lot -gun-shots at Sullivan -"L" names -egg roll party @ the 2nd floor lounge -parties at Northwestern -parties at DePaul -Joy Yee's -Moving to the 1st floor -the infamous Dirty Mix -Dr. Sex -Alladin's -Albion, Arthur & Lakewood -teaching the art of Chipotle -the lake view -the "L" -the Metra -Mertz fire alarms -Mr. Paul Battista -SINO ANG TATAY MO??? -Coffey Uno -120, 118, 116, 114, 113, 112, 110, 108, 106, 105 -Downtown Trio -the Charlie's Angels Theorem...which one are you? -"She's not a slut, she's just non-monogamous." -First Floor Coffey: where they stuck ALL the foreigners -Robyn spills soup in Coll's room -Marcia's phone calls -singkil -Ace of Base -Kristina's house -the HALLOWEEN mishap -...leesie, no kidding. thanks for being there that night. -Aaron's house -Robyn gimps it up -Assassins -Jonny Lang @ the House of Blues -114's leaky wall, mildewy carpet -trips to the Art Institute -Evanston -Mad-style study sessions with Kinga -QuikCheck -Sitting on Santa's Lap -...Getting hit on by Santa: Oh, I'll give [i]you[/i] a present, alright. :shock: -...where are those pictures, by the way? -packing up for Winter/Christmas Break -IM addiction -MWF 2:30 lunch -TTh 3:45 lunch -9:30 dinner @ Rambler -tall tea and a blueberry muffin -sleepovers at Marcia's -10:30 movie at Marcia's -downtown classes -shuttle rides -PSHD -cartoons -ridiculously small head -abnormally small hands -poodle-butt head -"Sleep? Sleep is for the weak. We don't sleep in 114." -Hetero-Paul and Homo-Bob (according to Gert) -LA Tan -Greta's house -Poker -Kemps -Nictitating -Mongoose -Turk and Flip take Howie down -Christian, Howie & the sign...ooh did that leave a mark? -the Kids -Blockbuster -BERWYN?? -the ADG house; hepatitis B booster shots, anyone? -Volleyball games -#11 -#8 -Wednesday & Friday Movie Nights @ Finnegan -Great Wall..."I'll have the Loyola Special" -"Come on Eileen..." -the ghetto-plex -Bruno's -Boone's -Colt 45 -Joey -"Campion Nights" -Club 125 -Lakeside walk & talks -Gert's face-plant -Sevil goes to church after a rough night -Big Poppa -trouble @ 114, everyone gets written up -114 goes to AA -"hey, it seemed like a good idea at the time." -the Room Master -marathon roommate naps -114 sleepovers -"What?? 114 is clean? I'm trashing it!" -V-day Dance -birthday dinners gone awry -Catapulting Colleen -Rugby parties -"the morning after" @ LSD -Evan -Condom Guy -fantasy baseball -Coll's awesome sock collection -stealing Heather's underroos -stealing Robyn's underroos -Carmen's -faith sharing -Colleen's grandma's house -brownie mix -dance party -drunk dialing -Colleen's "lively" drunken state -sunrises -Sex talks and "TAKIN' IT UP THE ASS!" -8RIDE -8RIDE ALF -8RIDE Cinema -8RIDE DOG -"No thanks, I gave up heroin and dreamsicles for Lent." -Dave Odd -Dave Odd lurking around on campus -TJ -TJ's thighs -TJ making fun of 8RIDE -...did I mention TJ? -schnockered -Naked Night @ 125 -"Friendly" orgies at Campion -Coffey Girls: Keepin' You Up All Night -showering together :wink: -getting ready to go out, raiding each other's closets -running on CPT (Colored People Time) -Homestar -ButtDanceButtDance -Cheerleader, So&So, What's Her Face, the Ugly One -I [b][u][i]SAID[/i][/u][/b] ..... -she said showering's overrated... -...that's a LIE!! -talks on the rocks -Daily humpings -Daily lickings -goodnight kisses -the fatty -Chompers -Marcia's silent but deadly "secrets" -living in sweatpants -"class is canceled" -Psych 275 with Ottati -Howie Day @ the Congress -"Oh she can sue me any time." -...[i]SUE ME, SUE ME!![/i] -a fascination with Mike's clothes -Ice Cream/Smoothie Lady, "You want one?" -Robyn's 8 oranges -Sevil brings home [i]3 [b]American[/b] boys[/i] -Brandi -St. Patty's Day Parade -the boys abandon the girls -The Chase Cafe -planning on going to the Chase... -...and not quite making it there -Ben -the chalice (RIP) -Mike's rampage -Stephanie -Do it. Do it. -Are you crying? -No, [i]you're[/i] crying!! -The Chase Cafe Incident -Ben, again -"Mike, where are you??" -Jaeg is bad -Running a prostitution ring from 114 and 108 (first 5 mins are free. Right, Howie and Christian?) -the cops :shock: -incriminating pictures -peach penguins -bathroom attacks -Sex in Marcia's room -Sex in Colleen's room -Standee's -Clarke's -Siblings Weekend -the Georgetown 5 -Sevil's house -Christian's birthday -SURPRISE! -giant penis hanging from the chandelier -19 blueberry muffins -jello & skyy casserole -the Pan -playing in the park -"I say HARK!" -"We're gonna leave in, um....NOW!" -Sevy's car -Late-Night Campion runs -braiding Mikey's luxurious hair -Filipino Backrub Whore -"You make me want to crack." -Mars and Sevi's vocal stylings -the Crafty Flip & mangoes -Cards -Madden -"spin the phone" -Insomnia buddies -Late-Night talks -Midnight Mission (Ace aka thePan, Turk, Flip, theBurns, "Calvinand", Hobbes) -FOOL! -"You Ignorant Slut" -WHORE! -"I just pretend to be short." -Late nights at the Art Annex -United States of Leland -Mike Jr. -Greta's April Fool's -Gert's birthday...Carmen's & chocolate pudding -Rugby game @ Northwestern -failed clubbin' attempt, Club Mambo -Easter Weekend -Campion sleepovers -Dan's party & the brilliant idea -Walks of Shame -10 pm mass -Big Bowl -Cheesecake Factory -"We're gonna win the Nobel" -"GLORIAAAAA!!!!!" -Mason Jennings @ the Abbey Pub -dancing in the pouring rain w/ the girls & running to Campion barefoot (Gert, Sevy, Coll) -Water Balloons -sock fights
[i]Well, kids, that's all I have. All I can say is, we must have had a damn good time.[/i]
[i]This is for all the men in my life. All those who have patiently listened to me, even when I rambled on about subjects you couldn't possibly care less about. All those who put up with my endless array of shit. All those who understood that sometimes, I will pout, maybe even cry. All those who held me when I got scared. All those who stood guard outside the guys' bathroom. All those who, without complaint, fetched me water after I'd had too much to drink. All those who didn't mind waiting 20 mins for me because once again, I was taking much too long to get ready. All those who dropped what they were doing in the middle of the night because I called and asked to be walked home. All those who have made me feel loved, respected, safe; this goes out to you.[/i]
This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funn y/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, and with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl's every facet, from her privacy to her theology, to her clothing style.
This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they're at her door. For the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population. For the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway. For the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters. For the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don't end up being boyfriends. For all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated. For all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned. This is for you.
This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn't worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you'd ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn't have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing "serious" between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: 'oh, but we're just friends!' And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyway, because you're nice like that.
This is for the nice guys don't often get credit where credit is due...and perhaps more disturbingly, the nice guys don't seem to get laid as often as they should. So, until these matters are resolved, all I can do is propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you're sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you.
Fu-zu Jen, SEAS/WH, 2003 Written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal
our preoccupation with time has conditioned us to keep schedules and we do spend the majority of our lives living by the clock. sometimes, instead of soaking in all the experiences, we become too busy trying to keep up with our schedules; trying to stay one step ahead of it all. and because of these perceived time constraints, we often forget how important it is to sometimes allow ourselves the luxury of a little bit of spontaneity or even silliness.
"don't ask any questions. just put your shoes on and come with us." today, at 2 am six kids, including the Turk, Ace (aka the Pan), the Burns, "Calvinand", Hobbes &Flip (myself) decided to pile into a tiny two-door coupe to drive all over chicago until the sun came up.
climbing under the wires to stand on the rocks by the lake as we hold hands to form a circle, skipping all the way to campion from coffey at 1:30 in the morning wearing pajamas and red fuzzy slippers, being a little tipsy & deciding to walk to a park in the suburbs to play in a playground, going on "missions"; i wouldn't trade any of these experiences for anything in this world. ten, or twenty, or thirty or however many years from now, i doubt i'll remember even half of the things i take notes on during lecture. i doubt i'll remember a lot of what i've read in all these books, nor will i remember the details of topics i've written extensive essays and taken lengthy tests on. but i will remember these late-night outings, and more importantly, the people i shared these experiences with. years from now, after graduation, after landing my dream job, after finally figuring out what i want out of this life, i'll still be able to reach into the special place wherein i tuck all of these memories safely away. i can look back fondly, feel a great big stupid grin creeping on, and chuckle to myself.
college is supposedly where we are supposed to step into adulthood. as i packed my things in preparation for this new life to begin, i was told that i was in fact getting ready to leave my childhood behind. i suppose that i somehow equated this transition with committing myself to seriousness. but i'll tell you right now that one of the most important lessons that i've learned this year is to never take myself too seriously. another one is to spend my time wisely, but never to become too busy to do things that i enjoy.
someone once told me that time was a predator that stalked us all our lives. i'd rather believe that time is a companion that goes with us on a journey, reminding us to cherish every moment because they might never come again.
I've been getting a few complaints about the content of my blogs. Apparently, I haven't put enough of myself into them. I guess that means that I haven't really opened up, and put myself out there. And it's true, but only to a certain extent.
You have to understand, it's perfectly normal to want to be even just a little bit guarded. To attempt to put up walls so that others can't see inside. There seems to be a lot of that going on around here lately. It's a fear that I think we've all experienced before. Because when we open up to people, we're left vulnerable, and naked in a sense.
Most of the time, I talk about a lot of nothing. And there's a reason for that. Usually, there's something else going on, but I might not say anything because I wasn't really taught to do that. It wasn't frowned upon, but I just wasn't raised like that. I was raised to think that I can deal with just about anything. And I'd like to think that I can. I like to think that I'm fully capable of taking care of myself and whatever else that concerns me.
The role I've always played was that of the problem solver. I was one of the kids that everyone ran to whenever they were having problems. I guess that kind of conditioned me to think that I can deal with everything on my own, and in my own way. But the past few months I've spent here at school have really humbled me. It's a bit ironic that it's when I was thrown into a setting where I can prove/assert my independence that I finally learned that sometimes, it's ok to depend on others.
And learning to be helped doesn't come about until you're able to open yourself up. I think I have. I think that it shows in the relationships I've formed during the past few months. The friends I've made here have become my family. They're the ones whom I come home to. They're the ones I hug and kiss hello, goodbye, or goodnight. They're the ones I miss in absence. They're the ones that worry when I don't come home when I said I will. They're the ones I run to when I'm happy, sad or excited.
I've only realized it recently, but it really is true that you end up keeping the good out of your life when you shut yourself in just so you can shut the bad out. The "good stuff" is just too good to miss out on, even when you're desperately trying not to get hurt again. So thanks, to all of you who have made me realize that. Friends like you come around only once in a lifetime. I'll have you guys as long as you'll have me.
Does it ever seem like we’re losing the real virtues of living life passionately? Or losing the sense of taking responsibility for who we are; the ability to make something of ourselves and feeling good about life?
People often discuss Existentialism as if it’s a philosophy of despair. But I think the truth is just the opposite. Sartre once said, when interviewed, that he never really felt a day of despair in his life. One thing that comes out from the reading of these philosophers' works is not a sense of anguish about life, so much as it is a real kind of exuberance of feeling on top of it. What they're saying is that your life is yours to create.
I'd say that you'd have to read the Post-Modernists with some interest, even admiration. But in reading them, there's always a nagging feeling that something absolutely essential is being left out. The more that you talk about a person as a social construction, or as a confluence of forces, or as fragmented or marginalized, what you do is open up a world of excuses; a world where there's no accountability whatsoever.
When Sartre talks about responsibility, he’s not talking about something abstract. He’s not talking about the kind of self or soul that theologians would argue about. It’s something very concrete: It’s you and me talking. Making decisions. Doing things and accepting the consequences.
It's true that there are six billion people in the world and counting. Nevertheless, what you do makes a difference. It makes a difference, first of all, in material terms. It makes a difference to other people and it sets an example. In short, the message here is that we should never simply write ourselves off and see ourselves as the victims of various forces. It’s always our decision who we are.
[b]shnockered adj. (shnock·ered)[/b] [b]1: [/b]being in a state of drunkenness [b]2:[/b] shit-faced
[b]Usage:[/b] "I don't think I should postpone our next test to the Thursday after St. Patty's because I'm sure most of you will still be shnockered." --J.Johnson, PhD (my abnormal psych professor)
Spring Break in late February?? I thought they were kidding. I've been living in Minnesota for almost 9 years now, so forgive me if I have more than a little trouble putting the words "spring" and "February" in a sentence other than, "spring DOES NOT begin in February."
confusion aside, i was determined to completely veg-out during spring break. but seeing that there's no one to hang out with since all of my highschool friends are still suffering through midterms and awaiting their more appropriately timed spring breaks, it was completely up to me to find things to amuse myself with.
there's really not that much to do in st. louis park. but don't get me wrong, it's not podunk by any means. we do have a well-developed main street, excelsior blvd., nicknamed "the miracle mile". fully equipped with a decent movie theatre, about 10 million cafes, three or four bakeries, a few up-scale restaurants, a couple of book stores, some vintage clothing and furniture stores. and of course, there's always knollwood, the tiniest "mall" i have ever seen in my life, located, a mere 10 blocks from my house. it does have its gems, like the massive old navy, the DSW (aka mine and yasmin's personal heaven), a bath and body works, and a Regis salon. and really, that's all a girl can ask for: clothes, brand name shoes for almost nothing, fruity smelling lotions and body washes, and a decent place to get your hair done. :wink:
then again, there's downtown minneapolis, which is comparable (although much smaller in comparison) to downtown chicago, is less that 15 minutes away. i can easily hop in my car and drive down calhoun drive, past lake of the isles, and spend my day immersed in culture. i can go to the MIA (minneapolis institute of arts). or i can catch a matinee at the Lagoon (one of the best indie-flick theatres around). after which, spend the rest of the day walking in and out of quaint little shops down hennepin ave. and then at night, i can join the ranks of minnesota sports fanatics and catch either a wolves game at the target center or a wild game at the excell energy center.
but i musn't discount the tempting alternative of becoming a shut-in. spending everyday reading select items plucked out of the ridiculous mass of books i accumulated over years and years of spending way too much time at Half-Price Books and Barnes and Noble. I can actually nestle into my favorite chair, knitted blanket over my legs, a gigantic cup of tea in my right hand, and a good book in my left. Now that's what I call 'reading'...none of that highlighter, notebook and pen shit that I pull when I'm at school.
Or i can always delve into my brother's ridiculously massive collection of DVDs. he has over 300 titles now, I think. tell me this, how does a recent college graduate with student loans to pay have enough money to buy an average of 4 DVDs a week?? eh, what do i care about the logistics? thanks to him, i have the option of turning my brain to mush....
...but i guess i'll have to put off doing all that until i finish shoveling my 20x50 driveway. yeah, that's right. i woke up to 8 inches of heavy white snow blanketing everything. this is the serious stuff, too. it's not the fluff that you can quickly and effortlessly brush away with a big broom--it's the back-breaking kind. well, so much for digging out my spring/summer clothes from the back of my closet, and getting excited because i just sent in my returning staff forms for the 2004 rec center pool season.
that's ok, starting monday, i officially only have 1 month and 3 weeks untill the beginning of my "summer" break. hmm, summer in late april, i think i can get used to that, maybe with much more ease than getting used to spring in february. :D
P.S. as of March 5, 2004, my blog has been viewed 1001 times...do i get a prize for that??
[b]March 3, 2004[/b]- contributed by me [b]fugly adj. (fuh'·glee)[/b] A contraction of the words "fucking" and "ugly" often used to describe an exceptionally unattractive person who, upon closer inspection, appears to have not only been beaten with an ugly stick, but the entire ugly tree.
[b]Usage:[/b] "Man, that amazon with the hooded eyes, rat's nest for hair and five o'clock shadow is FUGLY!"
Just because we're on Spring Break, it doesn't mean that the learning should stop. So, in the spirit of learning something new everyday, I decided to post a vocabulary word for every day of Spring Break.
I've enlisted my co-conspirator extraordinaire, Heather, to take turns with me in this endeavor. Here's what we've got so far:
[b]March 1, 2004 [/b]- the inaugural, contributed by me [b]ass·clown n. (ass'·kloun)[/b] A person who has surpassed the behavioral level of a conventional ass.
[b]March 2, 2004 [/b]- contributed by Heather [b]shmuck-face (shmu'k fays)n[/b] - someone who is acting like a dick and whose dick-like quality is evident in his/her facial expressions.
In my experience, you don't come across that many people with the ability to give you butterflies. You just don't. But when you do come across these few people, you're just floored. Flat on the ground, confused as to what just hit you.
Do you know that feeling? The one that reduces your attention span to that of a goldfish? The one that makes that goofy smile linger even as you drift off to sleep at night?
So here I am, butterflies in my stomach, and flat on the ground, attention span of a goldfish, with this dumb smile that I can't wipe off my face.
[i] Thank you, Billy Joel for being such a kickass story-teller/song writer. Today, during Statistics, as I methodically ignored Professor MJ Schukas, I started writing an ode to Campion Nights.
Nights spent at Campion always prove to be a great time; before, during, and "the morning after". So while I say thanks to Mr. Joel for giving us The Piano Man (whose tune was shamelessly exploited here), I also want to give all my love and thanks to the friends who have inspired this song. [/i]
Nothin' but LOVE to my collaborators: -GRETA, the girl who's teaching me that there truly is "No Day But Today." -SEVIL, my crazy roommate, god love her, because I have to tell her when to shower :? ...and finally -HEATHER, "the sweet one" and my co-conspirator extraordinaire. dude, why are you [i]always[/i] inside my head??
[i]As of 3:45 AM on Friday, February 6, 2004, the song is finally finished. Thank you Sevil for another late night.[/i]
[b]Club 125, I give you[/b]
[b]Campion Nights[/b]
It’s 9 o’clock on a Saturday And Greta’s boys shuffle in Got two young guys sitting next to me Making love to their Colt 45s
They say “Never again while at Coffey Hall!” Because we all know how it goes Coffey’s sad yet it’s sweet Without beer, incomplete Why didn’t she keep her door closed?
Lalala-ladeda (Drink at Campion…Joey drinks with you)
Michael is playing his MP3s And Ryan’s in n’ out Guys are on their 3rd round of colt 45s While the ladies finish their wine
Our friend Mike is staying sober tonight He’s the guy who buys us our drinks He’s quick with a joke, always up for a drink Tonight, drunk, is what he’d rather be
Mike says, “Greta, why not go for a li’l spin?” Oops! He dropped her flat on her face Sevil is inside puking her breakfast out As Big Poppa caresses her face
Lalala-ladeda (Drink at Campion…Joey drinks with you)
There isn’t anyone that Chris hasn’t kissed Never been tied-down in his life And he’s talking to Howie Who’s still with Stephanie She eventually will be his wife
Room one-fourteen's at AA tonight As Gaston gets extremely close At Campion it’s time for a tasty bev’rage Cuz Garanzini surely condones
Michael is playing his MP3s And Ryan’s in n’ out Guys are on their 4th round of colt 45s While the ladies finish their wine
So now Robyn’s passed out asleep on the floor And the room distinctly reeks of beer It’s a typical night at club one-twenty-five This is what we call Campion Nights
The boys tell the girls its time to go home And Greta wants to walk by the lake We all wonder outloud who's been groping who Who cares? We all like to share!
oh Lalala-ladeda (Drink at Campion…Joey drinks with you)
Michael is playing his MP3s And Ryan’s in n’ out Guys are on their 5th round of colt 45s While the ladies finish their wine
[i]...the relationship advice is on hiatus...seeing that current events and circumstances seem to support Ryan's summation that for a smart girl, i'm pretty stupid. according to him, I have the dating IQ of a monkey...[/i]
It’s Monday morning, around 8:20. Once again, I have just been pushed out of place, to the back of a swarm of people crowding to get onto the morning shuttle headed for the Water Tower Campus.
Lots of people think that they've got it all figured out: that these daily encounters with rudeness and carelessness prove that courtesy and kindness are indeed dead. But on December 13th, 2003, I was witness to evidence to the contrary.
On that crisp Saturday morning, I left my dorm around 5:45 in order to catch a southbound train to Midway Airport. As I made my way across campus, I cursed myself for having packed too much. I slung my purse across my body, my backpack, which was stuffed with books and my computer, hung by its straps on tired shoulders, while my mittened hands clumsily held onto the retractable handle of a large roll-away bag.
Having had to rest two times before I even passed Damen, I knew that I was in trouble. There was no way that my luggage weighed the regulation “fifty pounds or less”. But at this point, I really didn’t care that much. The twenty-five dollar fine worried me far less than the thought of having to travel with this beast all the way from Loyola’s Lakeshore Campus to Midway Airport. I would have to get on the Red Line, get off at the Roosevelt station, make the transfer from the Red to the Orange Line, then ride the rest of the way to Midway.
Aside from the occasional but necessary redistribution of weight from hand to hand, everything was going fine. I had even found three traveling companions. And by “companions” I mean that we were merely traveling in the same direction at the same time. But to clarify, I was acquainted with one of them because she lives in my building, while the two others, a couple, were complete strangers.
Upon arrival at Midway, we soon found out that both the escalator up and elevator were broken. While the two other girls easily made their way up the steep stairs, I remained at the foot overwhelmed by the thought of having to carry my things up these stairs.
The sole boy in our little pack of Loyolans told me to stay put because he was coming back for me. I watched him run up the stairs with his things, as I struggled to haul my roll-away bag up, one step at a time. He came running back down, picked up my mountainous luggage over his head and ran up the stairs once again.
As we hurriedly made our way up the stairs, all I could say was, “Thank you.”
I didn’t know his name, and he didn’t know mine. We were just strangers who happened to be at the same place at the same time. And he had absolutely nothing to gain from carrying what I later found out to have been a 76-pound piece of luggage over his head.
So every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, when I’m being shoved from all directions by people trying to get onto the shuttle, I think back to December 13th. And I smile to remember that people can--from time to time--surprise you.
Doubt kills a relationship. It's a well-known and undisputed fact that if you want to end a relationship, all you have to do is stop trusting the other person. What's less recognized, however, is how trust is just a part of a bigger issue: certainty. There is no way that anyone can ever be completely certain about anything in the philosophical or the scientific sense. But once you allow doubt to pervade the way that you see the other person, once you doubt the other person's motivations for being with you, you kill your relationship.
Your ability to make things work depends enormously on your level of trust and by extension your certainty about the relationship itself. When trust is undermined by doubt, the ultimate breakdown of your relationship will follow shortly. To make any relationship work, you must first eliminate doubt. This is not to say that you should be naive, but remember that many relationships have been cut tragically short because one (or both) of the parties just couldn't get rid of that doubt. Doubt is the ultimate killer.
So, how do you get rid of doubt? As far as I know, “it” really is a leap of faith. Remember the movie, Kate & Leopold? There's a deleted scene where Otis, Leopold's valet, says, "Love is a leap." You just gotta have faith because there are no rules; you have go by instinct and you have to be brave.
For the scientifically minded and those who refuse to believe that there are some things in life that you just have to trust--that there are some facts that you simply can't prove with the use of hard evidence or data, here's a little question and answer for you: Q: How big is the Universe?
A: It is infinitely big.
Q: How do you know?
A: I know because all theories and available data point to that conclusion.
Q: Theories? Has anyone ever actually gone out there to the ends of the universe and actually measured its infinite boundaries in order to offer hard evidence which prove that claim?
A: By definition it would be impossible to "go to the ends of the universe" because something that is infinitely big has no boundaries.
AND FINALLY: So how can you, or anyone say with absolute certainty that the universe is infinitely big if it's impossible to measure? Science, like love, has its own articles of faith. There are some things in this life that you just have to put your faith in. One of those things is Love.
How do you know if what's you've got in your hands is a real person? Haven't you ever gotten the sense that someone just might be too good to be true? So how do you know? You look at the company they keep. You ask questions. And while doing this, you should pay attention to their answers, you should also pay close attention to the very personalities and characters of those people that you have chosen to ask. OR you can imagine yourself a room full of people who know him/her the best, listening in as these people discuss his/her character. While you're doing this, remember this one very important thing: "Joe" has probably done some pretty wonderful things, but he might have also done some horrible things (no one is ever as good or as bad as they first appear).
People have their reasons for doing certain things. You have to come to accept that no one is perfect. At this point, the question you should ask yourself doesn't concern how many hours he's spent volunteering at the local nursing home nor should it be whether or not he's guilty of having once forgotten to pick up his little sister from school. The question you should concern yourself about is whether he's been honest with himself about the things he's done (or hasn't done). If “Joe” is a good guy, the answer will always be yes. The true measure of a man lies in his ability to be honest with himself as far as what he's done with his life thus far. DO NOT expect perfection; but do claim your right to a certain degree of quality.
Everyone has secrets. But I don't suggest that everyone wear their hearts on their sleeves. Still, there is one very important question that begs asking: does your "someone" want you to meet his/her friends? Meeting someone's friends can be the most revealing thing about a person. When you meet someone's friends you are given the chance to see him through different eyes and different perspectives. You hear stories, and you find out what sort of person he is, as well as what sort of people he chooses to spend his time with. Run like hell from anyone who's hiding this facet of his life from you. However, if you are fortunate enough to meet a person who makes a conscious effort for you to get to know him in his element, you should give him at least the benefit of the doubt---you know that this guy has nothing to hide, not from you, not from anyone, not even from himself. If he's honest with himself, it's a guarantee that he'll be honest with you.
[b]Chapter 4: "...but I would be proud to partake of your Pecan Pie"[/b]
True friendship exists where there are no hidden agendas--and if there were agendas, they don't remain hidden (at least from each other). These kinds of friendships, are quite rare. The thing is, even though we all like to pride ourselves in our amazing capacities for tolerance and acceptance, we're never quite as kind as we think we are. Besides, in my opinion, you just can't possibly have that good of a friendship with someone that you have to "tolerate". True friendship is when you are willing to partake in every piece of the pie--when you don't feel the need to pick the pecans off.
This applies to both your relationship with yourself and with others. And the basic rules are: 1) Never compromise yourself; because in the end, you have to be able to look at yourself in the mirror. 2) People aren't made of clay; you can't mold them into whatever "shape" pleases you. People whom you try to fashion into your own idea of what they should be, with the intent of keeping them close, will only drift farther and farther away from you.
Love is about finding the middle ground --even the seemingly perfect brand of love we find in the movies displays this. Yes, in the end the characters do end up happily together, but only after they've worked out their differences. And this is where the danger is. Finding the middle ground should never mean attempting to change them, or them trying to change you. It's true that people do change, but only because the motivation to change comes from within. In the real world, no one wants to be told how to act or what to do. Think about it from a simpler point of view: back when you were little and your parents ordered you to clean your room, didn't you just want to make even more of a mess just to spite them? It's the same thing.
"Don't go changing, to try to please me." Billy Joel had it right. Don't turn yourself into someone that you're not just to please someone. And don't try to turn someone into something that he/she is clearly not. It just doesn't work that way. When you truly love someone, you love him/her for everything that he/she is (or in some cases, isn't). You don’t love them “in spite of” anything, you love them because of everything. Acceptance, along with trust, is one of the most important components in making any relationship work. But be warned that there is a major difference between accepting something and choosing to overlook something. When you accept something, you see it as a factor and do consider it as such, but you don't let it mire you. Meanwhile, when you choose to overlook something, all you're really doing is choosing not to acknowledge its existence--it's avoidance no matter how you look at it. And although you avoid the topic, it will always haunt you.
Everyone comes with "defects"--no one person will ever perfectly and exactly fit your ideal. And you have to learn that that's ok. Don't turn minor “things” into major hurdles; learn to pick your battles. Don't turn your back on someone that you love just because he happens to like rap music and you happen to abhor the mere idea of it; get him headphones. True love is hard to find, and trust me, if what you have is the "good and true" kind, you'll find a solution to every "problem".
